Jamie Moyer traded

There is no word to describe this trade, other than shitfuckcuntface. I have no clue how to react. Why? What the fuck is the point in this? Right now? You could have ripped off the Reds at the trading deadline for fuck, I don't know, Adam Dunn and Joe Morgan? They did give up their starting shortstop and a corner outfielder for two relief pitchers, one ultimately injured, and a minor leaguer. They could've traded Moyer at last year's trading deadline and got something. Instead they got two single-A players, Andrew Baldwin, 4.04 ERA, 164 H, 11 HR, 22 BB, 100 K's in 147 Innings, and Andrew Barb, 35 H, 0 HR, 28 BB and 71 K's in 60.2 innings. Barb's stat's are impressive, but he's pitching at low A ball, he's 22 years old, and he's in the muthafuckin' Sally League. Baldwin is supposedly more impressive from a scouting standpoint, but at the same time he's 24 years old and still in high A ball. Oh God, I want to be sick. We traded Moyer for minor league filler and projectability. Sweet Jesus. At least I'm drunk. Barb's been pretty dominant, but Christ, how are either of these guys going to fill a spot in the starting rotation, even in the future? Barb might be a solid set-up reliever. That's it? Oh good God. Does this mean Pineiro is re-entered into the rotation? Do we call up Cruceta, or Blackley, or Baek, or Nageotte? Jimenez? Are any of these names even remotely interesting? Maybe Cruceta, or Blackley, if it was two years ago? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMIN' OUT OF MY MOUTH, BILL BAVASI?

muthafuckin' snakes on a muthafuckin' plane

About an hour ago my buddy Jon and I got out of "Snakes on a Plane," and I must say, it was everything I hoped for. We caught the first show of the morning, 10:45, at the Cinerama, which was the perfect venue. My only disappointment was that there only appeared to be maybe ten other people in the theater. I'm still predicting a lot of success for the movie though, because it really is about a perfect popcorn movie. It was pretty hilarious without being too over the top, and also stayed away from being too tongue-in-cheek. The action scenes were ridiculous, but in a good way, and still somehow suspenseful. There was a good gratuitous sex scene that precedes the first snake-related death. Julianna Margulies comes out of hiding to give a likeable/hot performance as one of the flight attendants. That guy who plays Champ Kind and Todd Packer plays a misogynist pilot, about the perfect role for him. Anyway, getting to hear Samuel L. Jackson say "get these muthafuckin' snakes off this muthafuckin' plane" is worth the price of admission. "Snakes on a Plane" is a movie that perfectly understands what its role is. If it were a baseball player, it would be one of those Matt Stairs/Craig Wilson types. Maybe they're terrible in the field, and they couldn't steal a base if their life depended on it, but they can rake and draw walks, and they usually have a cool moustache or a mullet, and they end up being more valuable to a team then a flashier player who tries to do too much. Go see this movie.

Fun with (purely hypothetical) Gambling, Part One

One of my favorite things about an upcoming sport season is making predictions about how each team will perform. There's nothing quite like nailing a sleeper pick that no one else is talking about, like last year when I predicted the Tampa Bay Buccaneers would make the playoffs. On the flip side, there's nothing like making a prediction that turns out to be completely asinine. Last year I actually thought the Houston Texans (the 2-14 Houston Texans) would compete for one of the AFC wildcard slots. Oh well. As long as you're not involved with vindicative bookies, it's fun.

I was looking at the NFL future lines earlier at Bodog, and started thinking about the Over/under lines for season wins. Most seemed about right on to me, but others looked like they could be good opportunities to make some money, and by money I mean not real, material, money, but more like a heightened sense of self-satifaction. Because placing bets on professional sports will ultimately lead to a life of poverty, baldness, and vindicative bookies. Here's my rundown, division by division, team by team, with over/under wins next to the team:

AFC North
Pittsburgh-10
Cincinnati-9
Baltimore-8
Cleveland-6.5

These all seem about right on. No arguments here. I guess if you're a Pittsburgh homer, you could say that their line seems low, but this was an 11 win team last year that's bringing back almost the exact same team, and faces a tougher schedule. It'll be interesting to see if they're willing to let Big Ben and his reconstructed face open up on offense with Jerome Bettis returning to Detroit. Because that's where he's from.

AFC South
Indianapolis-11.5
Jacksonville-9
Tennessee-5.5
Houston-5.5

The o/u on Indy seems about right, and while Jacksonville's looks low for a team coming off a 12 win season, but they killed a bad schedule, and were a little lucky to boot. Tennessee looks like a good bet for the over. They were hurt by injuries last year, and also had a young defense that was horrid. They made some pickups on defense that should help, and they should also be improved with experience. And come on, they only need to win 6 games. Houston still sucks, but I don't know if they're bad enough to go with the under.

AFC East
New England-10.5
Miami-9
Buffalo-6.5
NYJ-6

No argument with those numbers for New England and Miami. New England's may seem low at first glance, but then you see how old most of their core is, and that their secondary is still a mess, and wonder if they might just fall apart. Brady and Belichick get the benefit of the doubt though. Buffalo and the Jets could be good bets for the under, but I wouldn't be too confident in those picks.

AFC West
Denver-10
Kansas City-9.5
San Diego-9
Oakland-6.5

Denver and Kansas City are about right. If I were forced to choose, I would with the "under" on Denver and the "over" on KC. San Diego is definitely "over." They were one of the better teams in football last year, something that is obscured by the fact that they failed to make the playoffs. They won 9 games last year with the NFL's most difficult schedule, and underplayed their Pythagorean record by almost 2 wins, which is usually the result of bad luck. Their schedule is much easier, as the get to play the NFC West this year. I don't think that the drop off in play from Drew Brees to Phillip Rivers will be that great. I have no clue what to think about Oakland, honestly. They really weren't quite as bad their record from last year suggests, and getting rid of Norv Turner will do wonders for them. Still, they've entered the Aaron Brooks era, and there's no good way that that will end well.

Tomorrow I should have Part Two, the NFC.

With sad resignation, football season bares its breasts

As depressing as the Mariners have been lately, it couldn't come at a better time, coinciding with the beginning of the NFL preseason. As unbearable as preseason football may be, it's nice to have it as a signal of a season worth looking forward to, as this year's Seahawks may actually be a better team than the Super Bowl squad. With their talent and their abysmal division, the Hawks would have to completely shit the bed to end up with fewer than eleven wins. Looking at their schedule, they have five potentially difficult games: Giants at home, at Chicago, at KC, at Denver, and San Diego (a whale's vagina) at home; if they even go 2-3 in these games, they should be able to get home field advantage through the playoffs. If not for being matched up with the very strong AFC West for their non-conference games, the Hawks would have the easiest schedule in the league. The NFC West is a joke; I would be surprised to see the Hawks lose a division game. As much as people like to think that the Cardinals will be competitive, real life doesn't act the same as fantasy football. Having two amazing wide receivers doesn't cover up the fact that they have an average defense and possibly the worst offensive line in the game. Last year they were a historically terrible running team, and Edgerrin James will help, but not nearly as much as some would believe. He's leaving one of the top lines in the game to run behind a line that was ranked 32nd in Football Outsiders' stat Adjusted Line Yards last year, a stat that assigns responsibility to the offensive line for running back carries. Indianapolis was best in the league in Adjusted Line Yards. Also, teams will also be able to focus on James more than they could when he was with Indy, because even as good as Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are, its Kurt Warner getting them the ball, and not Peyton Manning. Finally, James passed the 370 carry threshold last season, including his playoff carries, and also had 44 catches to go with that, so he's carrying a pretty high injury risk. The last year he passed the 370 carry mark was 2000, and the next season he tore his ACL. When you also factor in the fact that Kurt Warner's deal with the devil expired after 2001, you've got a team that looks like, well, the Arizona Cardinals, perennial suckhouse. Anyway, don't believe the hype about Arizona. At least they have a crazy-ass new stadium.


As far as the rest of the division, the 49ers will be terrible again, as they failed to address any of their needs on offense in the off-season, and they'll have to live with the fact that they're giving $50 million to Alex Smith, whose freakishly small hands cause him to fumble every time he is touched while holding the football. As far as the Rams, I think folks'll be shocked to see just how bad they are this year. A lot of people still have visions of the Greatest Show on Turf dancing through their minds, but this team is an atrocity. It's just too bad Mike Martz is no longer prominently involved.


Anyway, I should have something up soon, hopefully about gambling!!! Yay, gambling!!!

Good Evening

I meant to start this blog a couple months back, and was going to focus exclusively on baseball, specifically the Mariners. Well, then I got lazy, and now it's August, and the way the Mariners have looked the last couple weeks makes me want to hide in a bathroom stall with a handgun pressed firmly into my hard palate. I figure that writing exclusively about the Mariners would just aggrevate me at this point, so I'm using this opportunity to expand beyond baseball, mostly to general sports discussion and whatever else I may choose to write about. Hope you enjoy! (And by "you," I really mean "me," because my readership at the moment is purely hypothetical).